Lets Steal Christmas!

If a fictional obese furry green creature with a genetic heart defect can pull off the perfect heist we can too! If you haven’t heard from your homophobic grandfather in a while you may be unaware that there are manufactured fears about rich kids not getting enough Christmas Presents this year. There have been calls for Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg to cut his paternity leave short to “fix the supply line”. Some have called on President Biden to help the poor disadvantaged (multibillion dollar corporations) buy more stuff to sell at a profit in a few weeks. Hmmm this sounds dangerously close to socialism, in fact Christmas is basically communism. So to save our children and enrich ourselves I say we buy up all the toys until the supplies dry and then sell it at a huge profit to the parents too happy to participate in the system.

So here’s how we do it:

1. Buy up the cheapest toys first, as many as you can — yeah we know they are not worth anything now, but when your kid can’t find the $3.99 pack of Pokémon’ cards how much would you pay to get them to shut up? $15.99 plus shipping ? Sold you should receive it by Dec 26th. :). Some may point out that its not equitable to buy up all the toys that the most people can afford but they are wrong. You’re taking all the risks! You worked hard to earn that money you inherited ! There’s no guarantee of profit! A child may not have a toy, but you can’t be their parent and have 14 streams of income. You have overpriced and overbred dogs to feed!
2. Sell High! Pick a number over the amount you paid, than double that number and then maybe double it again. You need to recoup your costs of course but you also need money to buy more toys to sell plus the toys for yourself. So you really need to sell at double the price if you can manage it. The great thing is that we know that the governments efforts to increase the supply of toys will be meager and means tested -only the most deserving who have enough income will receive help- so consumers won’t have many options.
3. Use your connections! You have a friend who works in the industry? You know what days the toys will hit the market? You have time and knowledge about what toys are going to be easiest to resell at a higher price? All of these things will give you a leg up over your would be competition.You have connections and money in hand its fine if you skip the lines to get the toys first- no one likes red tape. Use your privileges'.
4. Make sure you sell to the right people. Everyone’s money isn’t the same, and every family isn’t equally deserving of your charity. Once you’ve done some quick visual checks to determine the buyers worth and assured yourself this isn’t drug money or your hard earned taxes, go ahead and sell. Selling to the right people ensures the market will always be maintained — these are the people most likely to buy from you again.

Will people call you an asshole ? Yes. Will they be right? Of course! Do you care? Maybe a little. No worries that’s normal, it will get easier with every dollar earned. If anyone complains or point out that there are enough toys for everyone, call them a socialist as loudly as you can and shake your finger at them — everyone will lose their senses and agree with you.

Alternatively you can point out that this is the fairest way of divvying up toys — allowing the laws of reduced supply and manufactured demand. Just remember, the Grinch was fine until he decided to give all the toys back and died from the shock of his bad decisions.

Replace the word toys with house/housing :)