I waited, the coffee she bought growing cold, as she tried to get me to fill the silence. Hoping I would do the work of explaining her decision, her feelings, her guilt. I had practiced patience for nine years, so I waited.
Why was there always so much waiting ?
Deafening silence met me as I waited an eternity at her parents door, what if they said no?
I could feel my life seeping through my soles, my self respect already a puddle on the floor. My bones felt like they would turn to dust if I moved. Maybe we could stay here forever pretending our laughs were real and ignoring the growing sense of unease as I waited for the small talk and gossip to end.
The long wait on bended knee hoping those were tears of joy, not tears of despair. Bended knee, such a phrase — “usually used when asking for marriage or forgiveness”. Maybe the tradition is preemptive.
Would it be rude to ask her to get to the point? Where are we supposed to learn the etiquette for how to handle heartbreak ? I guess I can wait, what if I was wrong?
I’m pregnant” she says nervously sitting on my bed finally answering my surprised inquiry at finding her inside my apartment. Joy flooded my heart, nothing could take this feeling away.
I find my voice, ask her what was going on, she says she doesn’t want to hurt me, her eyes filling with tears.
Waiting at the altar wondering why the bride was so late, did she change her mind? Oh there she is, but why is she so nervous ? Maybe i’ll ask her later…
Silence.
We danced to John Legends All of Me in front of our guests, she whispers in my ear was it I love you? Was it promise you’ll never leave? Was it savor the moment ? Was it tick-tock?
Silence.
Weeks of silence after faux slights, cold dispassionate fights, waiting for an apology to slip out of her mouth to paper over my wounds.
Silence. She shifted uncomfortably.
If relationships are supposed to be filled with trials, did that mean love was supposed to be a life sentence ? Forever. Condemned to wait until the waves stopped and the stars went out to find out if she would change her mind?
Silence.
I couldn’t look at her anymore, wearing my favorite outfit in the same place we had our first date, waiting to wake up. I stared at the ring instead. It didn’t feel right anymore, did it always chafe so much, I don’t remember it being this heavy.
I ask her how long shes felt this way, trying to pinpoint the moment I chased her away. She tells me she’s felt this way for a while.
My brother reads, “Love is patient, love is kind…. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Love never fails. Would it be snarky to say ? Am I supposed to beg? To try to convince her to change her mind? To fight ? Do I argue? Do I ask questions? Do I figure out the logistics? Or do I just get up and walk away?
We watched the sun set from our hotel room in Key West, soothed by the snores of our child, wondering if forever would be long enough for our love. We spoke of what we’d do to celebrate our ten year anniversary. She confirmed our gifts had been safely delivered to our home, trinkets, treasures and lies. We had our guests write advice and encouragement for each year of marriage stopping around 12. We joked that we would have to make up our advice at that point. We agreed to read them on our anniversary each year and when things got rough. I’d have to wait to see what advice my friends and family had for us.
I laid my car keys on the table, got up and walked out of the cafe, but a part of me will always be there waiting.
